A Dangerous Idea

NY TIIMES, 4 July 1776

Philadelphia: A small group of right-wing extremists continues to foment trouble here in the colonies, this time with the publication of a "Declaration of Independence" seeking to break away from Mother England and institute their own religious dictatorship.

Readers might remember the carnage that occurred last year when General Thomas Gage attempted to seize a cache of assault weapons from a dangerous group of gun nuts up in Lexington. Feeling emboldened by their temporary victory, these extremist and their allies now think they can overthrow His Majesty's legitimate government.

For some reason, these religious zealots and malcontents seem obsessed with the idea of doing away with the taxes we pay for the protection of the Crown, just so they can line the pockets of their rich friends. They seem to have the idea that they have some sort of "divine right" to "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". (At least they didn't succumb to the blandishments of that lunatic John Locke and include a "right" to property.)

Among the complaints of these malcontents is the idea that the King has been over-riding their wishes concerning the proper running of the local colonial government. Obviously, they want to throw out hundreds of years of legal traditions and replace it with the anarchy of some new form of government, without any real strategy for success.

These separatists are taking a few minor complaints and blowing everything out of proportion, all in an effort to implement their own dangerous vision of domination of the New World. Fortunately, when the bodies of our young soldiers start coming home in wooden boxes, the colonists will certainly cry out for an end to this miserable failure and we can all go back to living in peace and enjoying the security of His Majesty's government.