The State of The Union Show, 2006 Edition

From secret sources, we've obtained an advance copy of the President's speech this evening to the nation.

"My fellow Americans,

The state of the Union has gotten pretty sorry over the last 75 years. We have strayed far from the Republic of self-reliant individuals that our Founding Fathers envisioned. Government has grown too large, too expensive, and too intrusive. We can no longer afford to continue down this path.

The Republican Party has long purported to be the party of limited government. It is time to live up to this image we have tried to project.

With this in mind, I am proposing that all programs not specifically authorized by the Constitution be eliminated, along with the Departments of Education, Labor, Homeland Security, and Health and Human Services.

I am also recalling our troops from around the world, beginning with all the two-bit, third-world countries that are continually biting the hand that feeds them by voting against us in the UN. Those troops will serve us far better stationed on our borders, keeping the illegal aliens out. If American businesses would stop being so cheap and start paying a decent wage, homegrown Americans would be glad to take the jobs that are now being done by the sneak-ins.

And speaking of the UN, we will no longer pay dues to that organization until such time as they stop throwing their weight around and supporting every tinpot dictator around the globe. When they begin to live up to the terms of their charter, we'll see if we can scrape together some money for them.

In short, folks, you're on your own. Government can't do everything for you, nor should it. It's time to start doing for yourselves. I plan to spend the next two years paring down the government to what's authorized by the Constitution.

Good night and good luck."

OK, we're only kidding with this, but wouldn't it be grand?