Baking For Columbine

Two hardened terrorists were hauled into court on Thursday to answer for their actions of 31 July, when they decided to forego a dance in favor of their terrorist spree.

As a result, the two -- members of a secretive local gang known as "The T & L Club" -- were sued by one of their victims, who claimed that their visit so terrified her that she ended up in the hospital emergency room the next day after suffering a severe anxiety attack that she thought might be a heart attack.

The plaintiff, Wanita Renea Young, who was at home with her 18-year-old daughter and her elderly mother, said she saw shadowy figures who banged and banged at her door. When she called out, "Who's there?", no one answered. The figures ran off, leaving a package which appeared to consist of half a dozen chocolate-chip and sugar cookies accompanied by big hearts cut out of red or pink construction paper with the ominous message: "Have a great night". It is unknown what those words are code for, nor was an analysis of the contents available at press time.

One of the defendants wept openly after Judge Doug Walker handed down his decision in La Plata County Court.

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