2009-05-22

Our Daily Bread

Don't eat it.

We've done a little research on bread, and what we've discovered should make anyone think twice.

1. More than 98% of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90% of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough". It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90% water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400ø F! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.


In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.

3. A 300% federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which might appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5. The establishment of "bread-free" zones around schools.


Please send this to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue.



Hat tip to Ted for getting us thinking about this, and to The Old Sarge for passing along the original joke.) From Ted's post:
Propaganda is based on a few solid facts marinated in preconceived notions and shoved at people with fear-mongering, high-pressure sales and scare-tactics.

2 Comments:

At 5:57 PM, May 24, 2009, Blogger Ted, a/k/a Galt-in-Da-Box said...

*Takes trophy, sobbing*
I'd like to that God, mom & dad, the Academy...
Seriously though, sometimes it's just over the top the amount of Angus excrement is being moved out there, supposedly for our benefit, actually for that of a corrupt, ungodly few.
Get a hold of a little epistle by Jacob Sullum titled "For Your Own Good: The tyranny of public health." Talk about a freaking wake-up call.

 
At 6:15 PM, May 24, 2009, Blogger Master Doh-San said...

As we've said for many years, beware of anything that's being done "for your own good".

By the bye, we've updated the blogroll with your new blog. Sorry about the delay.

 

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